Friday, December 23, 2011

     My day was off to a bumpy start this morning when I was awakened by somebody demanding I get up "Right now"...why is it that this always happens RIGHT before my alarm is set to go off!!?  (This is one of those things I would refer to as a "hiccup" in my day)  Well, needless to say I was not amused...and for me, stuff like that kinda sets the pace for the rest of my day...I like to get up on my own, and not be woke up by people demanding things from me...I have told them this SOOOOOO MANY TIMES, but for some reason it just doesn't seem to register.  Either that, or they just don't care.  I felt like a slave (not family) and completely at their disposal to do/treat me the way they saw fit.  Poor me....let the pity party begin....

  But anyways, I got up, and started getting things done and minding my own business....because if I didn't mind my own business, things would have been said that I would now regret and my day would be worse off 
than it already was at the time...(actually it was the "Silent Treatment"...i'd show them just how badly they wronged me...such a plight I had and it was ALL their fault....POOR ME)   I basically just needed time to cool off and the people I was upset with couldn't have left at a better to make a long story short I did my cooling off and got quite a bit accomplished while doing so....btw, if you can't figure it out yet, today has been a Linkin Park day for me (mostly), it's what I'd been blasting throughout my "Cool-off Session"  LOL...

I'm feeling a little better now, but also feel kinda worse for complaining (Imagine that, feeling bad for standing up for myself...well I COULD have went about it in a completely different way, but I was still half asleep at that moment so everything was still jaded)  I feel so selfish and mean sometimes, and I don't like to be nor feel that way. After all, it's NOT all about ME  (okay well maybe it's just a LITTLE about me lol but not nearly to the degree I was taking it to).  I DO love my family, and I know the reason we butt heads is because we love each other enough to care...If we didn't care, there'd be no reason to argue.  They just needed my help, and instead of feeling honored to be asked to help I complained and trudged through it with a dreadful heart.  They're not always guna be around for me to enjoy doing things for them and with them, I need to enjoy them while I still have them.  I feel like such a heel, or should I say DUMBASS...maybe I'm just a spoiled brat.  Regardless, I'm sorry for my complainin', whinin', and moanin..

Enjoy your family and loved ones, people, they're the only ones we got, like it or not.  They're not always guna be around...and one day they'll be gone and it'll be too late.  I'm thankful for each and every one of you too, I consider my friends to be family, especially my closest friends.  Thanks for putting up with me and my moods, and for being there for me when I'm in the middle of one of my moods and need you...or need to be set straight, even tho I may not like what I hear (Usually that's what I need to hear the most!!), I thank and LOVE YOU ALL!!  (HUGS)  XOXOXOX  \m/

P.S. I've found that life is too short to hold onto anger, JUST LET IT GO!!!  Making amends is
best (at least from what I've learned thru experience), and you'll feel so much happier for doing it...Forgiving and/or asking forgiveness is hard, but necessary to be healthy: emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually (Yes, I said's not the same thing as "religion", so don't think I'm getting all religious on you, I'M NOT!! lol)  But I need forgiveness (giving and receiving) to be happy and healthy...Tis' the season for clearing the air!!!




Saturday, December 17, 2011

     Well today is a day of reflection for me...I'm remembering good friends and the memories we shared and trying not to let my sorrow consume me...I have been relying on my love for music to express my feelings of sadness, yet trying to use more positive uplifitng songs...regardless I'm sure everyone around me right now has definitely recieved a very healthy dose of my music today...but they understand what I'm going thru and dealing with.       Two of my very dear friends have left this world, and both of them passed on within 5 months of each other.  Today is strange for me, however because not only is it the birthday of the first one that has passed on, it is also the same day we're laying to rest my other dear friend who has passed on the 2nd of this month.  They never really knew each other except for maybe meeting one one occasion, but to me the two of them will be linked together forever because of this day...I have been blasting favorite songs of theirs and trying not to cry in sorrow, but to rejoice in memories and for the fact that they are no longer suffering and have found the rest and peace they had searched for in life.  I will let their spirits guide me and allow them to motivate me to go for what I want in life and to get things done, to not just sit in loneliness and despair...because nobody gets anywhere when they're in the middle of all that.  I have alot of dreams to make into reality, and neither Brian nor Anna would want me isolating myself in negativity and depression because they're gone, they want me to grow stronger and keep learning and to be happy, I know that now.  So from now on, everything I do will be a credit and tribute to them, and I know they'll be watching over everything I do.

     It sounds weird to some people, I know...that death is one of the biggest happenings in our lives that will either affect you positively or negatively.  It'll either motivate you or debilitate you....bring people closer together or drive them further apart...only we can choose which road to take.  I choose the happier more positive road.
     Anna Marie "Hellfire Rayne" McKinnon and Brian Frederick Kennaugh, I will forever be grateful and honored to have known you in life, as well as have been friends with both of you...the two of you are very dear to me. We've had our ups and downs, but we always overcame and rose above our differences of character and opinions and were able to remain the great friends that we were.  I will never forget you, and always love and miss you being in my life, but our friendship will remain for eternity.  I will see both of you again one day, that will be one awesome time of rockin out together, and what a reunion that will be!  I love you both forever.